Curmudgeon Queen blows off steam

i've got to get back to my work, here in this cube among a hundred other cubes, in an office with no windows, in the middle of a Portland winter when the sun can barely pass through the clouds.

i copied the sentence above from my last post.  i kind of like it.  One might be right to think i could have at least edited it first.  But no, i thought it, i wrote it, i felt it.

Things are out of sync. me for sure; i'm out of sorts but things are not right at work.  i need to compartmentalize like some can do.  Bill Clinton could do it, i've heard.  i need a work compartment; a place to go and put on my "professional" uniform, so to speak.  That is how he governed while defending himself against impeachment, how he ran for president while being exposed for having an affair.  Compartmentalize.  Be a good soldier. Focus.

 

Many people would be glad for my job; i really am more grateful than i sound.  They would be all about doing what was necessary to secure and keep the job. Stick your tongues back in your mouths, mi amigos.  i know how much you want my job!  Quit drooling!  

Job loss anxiety.  That is one element of what's going on with me.  Couple that with weirdness at work.  Rob, my buddy, got fired a few weeks ago... more jitters.  i can overreact on occasion.  Ok, Wynd, i hear you.  Queen of Curmudgeon... yeah, i know.  Drama Queen, that's me, right?

Still, i trust my instinct/intuition.  Something is not right and i know i am an odd duck.  Really.  i get it and i don't mind.  i don't mind because I LIKE ME.  But odd ducks make some people nervous.  And in weird times... oh, i don't know.  

So, that is why compartmentalization would be a great skill.  Just be a soldier.  Take your orders. Carry them out. Do your job.  Put your smile mask on, wash your hands, you're done.

I have done this many times in the past.  Why is it different now?  The company knows i'm odd, why now do they want me to pretend to be 'professional'.  Real professionals got to finish college.  Real professionals have careers.  i have a job.  i like my job, but it is just a job.  

My job is the tool i use to pay for the rest of my life.  That's what i've always said.  I like the bargain i have struck.  Perhaps my company no longer sees me as an asset.  

Am i making any sense at all?  i'm rambling. What's my point?   

Weirdness at work + financial meltdown + SAD + Curmudgeon thing = Job Loss Anxiety.

So...