Reluctant shifter

i don't talk about my anger so it probably gets it's due in other ways.  i don't mind being political here in this blog but expressing my anger is a tricky wick. 

i don't want to pass it on, i want to exorcise it.  

But i don't know how to keep it from passing on and i don't know how to exorcise it.  All i seem to be able to do is exercise it, which passes it along and does not exorcise it.

i'm thinking about doing some kind of shamanic ritual.  i would like to get in touch with a part of me that i have locked away.  

Here is the beginning of a story i wrote a couple years ago.  

Reluctant Shifter

She was a fox.  She lived in the world and was rarely seen.  She was careful and deliberate in her movements and avoided other creatures.  

This isolation became habit and the woman almost forgot how to shift back to being a woman. She mostly forgot she ever was a woman.  

What she loved most in her world was smell.  It was like color to the woman she had been.  If the wind could blow a rainbow around and color could float on the air in whiffs and gusts and in iridescent clouds, that would come close to describing the scents and odors she experienced.

She felt drawn or was pulled back to the woman.  Others depended on her, needed her. 

Goddess called and the fox knew she had a mission to complete.  Reluctantly she became visible, everything smelled grey and she stood up to greet the morning. 

Something in that storyline is resonating with me today.  i understand fox.  She likes her fox world.  She wants to be there.  It's heaven.   

But Goddess calls and she has her mission.  Oy....

i get that.  That's what a soldier does, and i am a guerrero de la luz (a story for another time).  That is what a nun does.  She surrenders herself to devotion.  Even though the fox is reluctant she doesn't give in to her own desires.  

i imagine that fox is a much better woman than i am.  i resent my mission, so to speak.  And i'm angry.  i just want to shift back to that peaceful, nurturing place.  Selfish, selfish, cynthia.  Bad girl!

There is a lot of metaphore in my post today; a lot of imaginings that probably only make sense to me, but i feel a little better.  Did i pass any anger along?  i hope not.